Working Girl

Ok, that title sounded better in my head than it looks in writing. Oh well...it's official. I've decided to go back to work. And, I'm ashamed to admit, I'm excited.

I'm guessing most mothers will nod their heads in understanding when I say that...but for those of you whose gut response is, "You shouldn't be ashamed! You've earned the right to work if you want to!" I'll try to explain.

When I was pregnant, I thought I'd probably stay home with our baby until she was at least two years old. It was a random number, and I didn't have any hard-and-fast rule, but that sounded like a reasonable length of time to give her a sense of security and stability (not like I had any idea what I was talking about at that point, or how I'd feel later).

About six months after she was born (probably even sooner), I started going a little stir-crazy. This would seem completely logical to any sane person -- after all, I'd been in the workforce since I was at least 14 years old (ahhh, those were the days, when my biggest responsibilities were shaving chocolate and capping strawberries for pies at Baker's Square).  I'd been earning a paycheck for nearly two-thirds of my life. Still, my feelings surprised me. I had expected that since I was nearly 40 when I'd had my daughter, I'd truly enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom. I'd enjoy the change of pace...at least for awhile.

I can safely say that I had no idea what I was in for...being a stay-at-home-mom is exhausting!!! 

Fear is a four-letter word

Our daughter is happy, healthy and hitting her milestones. I can't complain. We're extremely lucky and I'm grateful every single day.

It's been awhile since most of you have heard from me...not because I've been busy (which I have) but because I've been afraid to blog.

Isn't that ridiculous? After deciding last year to start a blog to chart my course through the most exciting journey I've ever taken (pregnancy and motherhood), I got scared. Scared to speak my mind. Scared of being judged. Scared to put something permanent out into the "blogosphere" that can't ever be completely erased once it's out there. Scared that colleagues or others from my business would find this blog and think I'm not capable or intelligent anymore (if they ever did). And, let's be honest, scared to seem less-than-perfect -- which, looking back, is ridiculous given that anyone who knows me already knows that I'm so far from perfect it's not even funny!

Well, I had a chat recently with a good friend and she urged me to go public about how I've been feeling, so after some deliberation and soul-searching I've decided to go for it. She's a good friend. And she's usually right. So...that fear ends now.

Hi...I'm Lisa, and I'm suffering from PPD.

Baby clothes, or sanity check?

I've begun to wonder whether sayings are put on baby clothes to remind parents how much they love their children, when they're not necessarily at their most loveable....

As my daughter screams (the "feed-me-I'm-starving-I-haven't-eaten-in-at-least-ten-minutes!!" scream) for what seems like the 1,000,000th time today, I notice her nightgown say "Mommy loves me"...and I can't help but grin.

Or when I've just changed her diaper for the fourth time in ten minutes, and grab (yet another!) outfit for her to wear, I see the phrase "I [heart] Daddy" on the front...once more, I pause to grudgingly crack a smile.

Maybe it's like automatic damage-control. If you buy enough of these outfits, perhaps you won't go completely insane as a parent. Hmm...something to consider.

Right now, I'm off to soothe the fussy one as she wakes up from her nap and is STARVING!!!

Lucky she's cute.

A Good Day

So it's been awhile since I've posted...so much has happened! Quick recap: I went into labor on Sunday (Nov 21) and, after a few false alarms, our beautiful baby finally made her appearance early Wednesday morning (Nov 24). I've been sequestered in our home ever since...well, it feels like it anyway!

I keep thinking, no one ever tells you just how hard these first few weeks (months) can be! I mean, they tell you that being a mother is the hardest job in the world, but I guess I always assumed that was hyperbole. Apparently not.

I didn't have a ton of physical pain after giving birth (thankfully), so I feel very lucky in that regard. But the lack of sleep...that's what's been killing me. I could handle anything else if I could only get some sleep! She always seems to be hungry, or need something...and if I can't figure out what that is, I feel like a total failure for her. Today, for the first time in eight weeks, I'm actually not completely exhausted...and I think it's because I've gotten her to nap twice (twice, can you believe it?!?), so she's in a better mood. Would that every day could be like this!!

Hopefully, now that we're at eight weeks, things will begin to get a little (!!) easier and I'll have more time to write here. With any luck, I can share some of my experiences to help other new moms with some challenges they might be going through...to make things a little easier for them, too.

Until then...it's all about the baby steps!

Grateful

Last night, I was reminded just how wonderful it is to have good friends in your life...no matter how far away they may be.

Just before 8pm, my hubby started pestering me to check my emails...under the guise of, "My sister copied you on something, did you get it?" I kept refreshing, to no avail...there was nothing new. After a few minutes of this, I started to get worried...but he wouldn't give me anymore hints.

Then all of a sudden, a mysterious email popped up in my Inbox, from a good friend of mine...

IT'S A BABY SHOWER FOR SPUD!

We thought you needed a baby shower so this was the only way we could do it - on-line!

So, start opening presents and show us what Spud got!

Compassion

In reading a quote from the Dalai Lama today (copied at the bottom of this blog), I started thinking about compassion. For some people, it comes naturally; for others, it's like speaking a foreign language. I used to think (perhaps naively) that all people aspired to be more compassionate towards others. Now, I'm more inclined to think the thought never even shows up on some people's radar screens.

You may have noticed I haven't written anything in the past few days...it's not for lack of happenings or realizations. In fact, the opposite is true. I'm just not sure I'm ready to share them yet, and my poker face has never been one of my strong points.

So for now, suffice to say that I agree with the Dalai Lama. And that I think the world would be a better place if everyone thought a little more about others, and a little less about themselves.

Developing genuine compassion for our loved ones is the obvious and appropriate place to start in our spiritual practice. The impact our actions have on our close ones will generally be much greater than on others, and therefore our responsibilities toward them are greater. Yet we need to recognize that, ultimately, there are no grounds for discriminating in their favor: all beings equally deserve our compassion.

My bump didn't lower my IQ

Basic chivalry/courtesy is great. I love seeing a teenager give up his seat on the bus for the elderly, or someone in a suit pausing to hold the door - even when they're obviously in a rush (I do have southern family, after all). Lately, however, I've begun to notice a change in people's attitudes towards me...once they realize I'm pregnant.

I had seen articles and books that said people (even strangers?) tend to get over-involved in pregnant women's business -- touching stomachs (eww!), giving unsolicited advice, telling horror stories about their own childbirth experiences, playing up the risks that exist during pregnancy (who knew deli meats were so dangerous?!).

I guess I just didn't realize these same people would automatically assume I became an idiot the moment the pregnancy test came back positive. (There's a great article from The Times on this subject as well, written by Kate Johnson a few years ago: Hey, I’m pregnant, not stupid.)